Lovely Day to ‘start’ out, good time in the lil 12 foot pool with my 14-year-old son enough to cool us off! Daughter came out with the Grandkids great fun. Dinner was a lil later than planed so they had to grab a plate and run as they had unexpected plans arise as well. We all had a good time anyway with what we had, and everyone got some food :~) .
Weird conversation at the end of the day between roommate and I, kind of set me off. Not gonna go into details about it here, lets just say it is a long-standing issue of many years hence the roommate situation, with complicated benefits once in a while!!! What a F@C&I#G idot am I, Right Lady’s and Gentlemen!!! I am so F@CK&N# tired of drunks! That don’t even remember inviting Daughter and the Grandkids over for dinner…so that means he doesn’t remember the conversation out on the porch after the invite to the daughter either why>>>??? Cause he was Drunk!!!! Yep I’m a F@C&I#G IDIOT!
So Daughter, and soon tobe son in law, and the Grandkids left. My son and I went to the back yard to sit in the shade and hang out. He is talking about dogs and their loyalty, I am sitting back in my lawn chair his dog is at my feet and I am bare foot giving him the dog ‘Scooby’ a foot pet/rub down with both of my bare feet. As Luke is talking about dogs and their Loyalty I am listening having a good time; Then WHAM! out of no where I start getting a panic attack zoning off into never-never land and awful images….memory’s Not cool….Just stopped ….!!!! Sat up started breathing in and out my mouth in thru my nose….my son is looking at me weird…Mom you ok your face is white…and you have tears in your eyes…?? I am breathing yes…heart racing feeling like I ran a marathon or should run one or somethng…no going to put it here the memory was very horrific for me, I am not sure what or if I will or can do anything with it. I try to calm myself rather quickly as my 14-year-old son is still sitting next to me in full on its Summer time and we are just hanging out in the back yard, just played in the pool, had BBQ, and uh mom did you hear anything I said? Are you ok?? I assured him I was fine just a lil panic attic under controle…Just breath and smile. Told him I think I needed to go inside a bit sorry to interrupt his story, yes our dogs are very loyal. Yours misses you very much when your away. Came inside thinking I would hash my little flashback out with roommate and calm down a bit. Nope he sleeps in the living room on the couch usually. Tonight though at 8 pm he was passed out on the living room floor, yes folks drunk or at least very buzzed, yet another night. NO help there!
So I called my daughter wich I did not really want to do but something was nagging me to call my mom and ask her about some one Male watching me for a time when I was quite young? Thing with calling my mom is that she has a lot on her plate, I love her dearly, Just if I freak, If I hurt and vise versa if its her I hurt/ She hurts! So yeah just did not want to make it worse and have to calm both of us you know. So I call my Daughter and ask her to call my mom to ask about the male sitter when I was younger. Get the call back yes male in the trailer park and a female with a pony tail and she can’t remember their names they watched me for a little time while she worked!!! Ugghhhhh she can’t remember their names!!!!! For a time….
Stuck with S#IT rolling around in my head! Been feeling like S#IT after my first Remicade infusion on this past 17th of June. Extra joint pain, some days very tired, yesterday damn near lethargic after watering roses and clipping them….uhhhggggg!!!!! Today ok except muscles really tired and sore. I can feel my neck getting tense and tight from this other junk. You know this is not where I was going with my lfe…My Father, Mother, Grandmother on mom’s side, Grandpa on mom’s side, almost all of my brothers and I have 7 of them, my uncle on mom’s side, some of my dads brothers most of them 3 or 4. Mothers brother overdosed on drugs, dads brother died of drug and booze induced liver failure! My own brother hung himself after a birthday night of being drinking and doing drugs! Leaving his 11 month old Daughter fatherless!! I could or I can go way back on and on I am sure this vicious cycle sucks up my life and this codependent S#IT is for the birds. I just feel so emotionally strapped it’s all wrapped in my body from head to toe and I don’t know how to let it all go, I really think that is my problem…I don’t know…I am sorry this is so crappy…I feel awful putting this up but it is where I am, it is my truth, it is how I feel right this minute, I am just going to feel it DAMN IT!! I’m going to close it up right here. Peace, Love, Light, Brightest Blessing, Work in Progress Mystical Luna Rose!