Lil man A visits


My  1 1/2  year  old  Grandson  is  here  to  stay  the  night.  We  will call him A. What a wonderful child this lil guy is, so smart, excited about figuring things out. He love’s being challenged, wonderment lights up his face. Loves to run and likes to hear heavy foot falls behind him. You can just hear the giddy belly in his laugh as he runs ahead. I thought having my own children was some kind of wonderfulness. Having my grandson has just put me over the moon, I feel very intoxicated on my love for this lil guy and the two very special people that came together in Love to gift A to all of us. I just recently learned that my daughter is going to have a second child in about 7 1/2 months I am so excited. He lights up my life like no other. Love B. 

Rant ;~)


1am can’t sleep. Pinch or crick in the neck is back and brings with it an awful migraine, funny thing is if I tilt my head to the rite side I am kinda pain free for a minute wonders how long this will last! My shoulder blades are screaming with pain, the left more than the right, the left is the side of the neck that felt pinched or crick’ed <<LOL. Some times I actually speak like that for lack of a better word to pull out of the ‘Fog’ that is my brain tonight mush. Well I gonna lie down again and see if I can manage to fall asleep thru this damn headache!!! I hope you all out there are having a better night. B

Just another day


Having issues with hands, wrist, fingers, couple toes, my fore arm clean up to my left shoulder and that wraps around to my shoulder blades and causes burning pain. Yesterday it was weird shooting pains in my knee it actually felt like some one hammered a nail into my knee and I was feeling throbbing shooting pain in the hole the nail left behind. Weird I know but that is the best way I can explain it. Here a couple of days ago my head ache finally let up. I had it for a week in a half or more. Felt like I had drank two bottles of wine all to myself the night before, and I had a wine oh’s hang over head ache, except I didn’t drink the damn wine. WTF?

Anyway I am just glad that it is gone. My feet have been hurting a lot again this description involves a hammer too, in the mornings for a couple of hours I get up and my feet feel like they have been smashed and broken. I am left feeling the pain and ache of every one of these fictitious breaks.  I had a weird pinch/crick in the neck a couple of days ago that is gone, but in its place my shoulder blade burns, the front of my chest directly across from shoulder blade hurts, and I have a tension head ache. Didn’t sleep well last night due to puking heartburn, literally choking on it thats always fun, and its happened a whopping three times this week. So have not been sleeping all the way thru the night for a couple of nights now. Very tired!

Wishes I could bend myself in a fashion that I could rub my own aching shoulder blades and shoulder. Who am I kidding this whole fucking breaking body needs some kind of rub! So damn tired of being tired, and so damn sick of being sick. Quite depressing when you start to wright about it. So maybe this is not a good subject for me to write about. I will think on that as I still don’t know where I would like this blog to go, or maybe it will become just a mishmash of my feelings, wants, needs, poems I like, quotes that inspire me. I am ok with it just being a mishmash of shit considering that is a mirror of my life rite now so why not type about it. Get it off my chest in hopes of seeing my way thru it all.

Well that is enough for now. My arm is not liking all this typing, my neck is yelling about looking at the computer screen.  More later B.

Just a little information about myself.


I am 40 years old I have two children, and one grandchild. They are my life and pride. My blog will be a place for me to vent about my life, and share some of the health struggles I am going thru my life in general. Not that I think I am all that and a bag of cookies (wink). If it helps some one great, if it is just an outlet for me that is great too. I don’t have a specific path I am going to take you on. In fact I may jump all over the place at times as that is the way my life has been for a lot of years now, all over the place. I may even disappear from time to time, I may even appear unable to put good thought or words down this happens in real life when I am talking to people as well.

For the past few years I have had a laundry list of symptoms and ailments. (actually a good portion of my life some of them I thought were just normal aging pains, or my extra pounds talking to me) I will list here as many as I can.

~Issues exercising (it hurts that is all there is too it. Yeah yeah no pain, no gain I have heard it. For me though it is always pain when I exercise even on a regularly scheduled exercise plan no amount of doing exercises gets me past the pain.) I don’t get use to it.

~ Migraines

~Neck pain lots of crick in the neck, unable to use and in lots of pain sometimes last a month or more. Lots of stiffness of neck, tension headaches involving neck and upper back.

~Back issues upper and lower, burning, ripping or feeling of tearing, muscle tightening and cramping burning!! Giving out.

~Arm pain, Shoulder pain, fingers, hands, wrist, elbows, sharp pains, burning, feel swollen, going numb. Not working!

~Chest pain (undiagnosed but pretty sure I have done pleurisy or at least that was my guess, not insured at time so didn’t seek medical care as I couldn’t afford to)

~Stomach issues- Heartburn, cramping, nauseous (get sick as little as I am able to hold off breathing helps) Pains sharp, or sometimes just feels like my stomach is very warm and yucky for hours. No apatite for long periods of time. Don’t wanna get sick, can’t put food on top of this internal fire.

~Sleep issues, not enough, too much, hurt shoulders, arms, hips, head etc keep me up toss and turn.

~IBS

~Depression and PTSD

~Anxiety alone and social

~Gerd (the heartburn stuff above)

~Tendonitis, Bursitis, Inflammatory Arthritis which might be Seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis, they have not decided yet! The itis’s and I are becoming close friends.

~Hips, legs, knees, ankles, tendons in back of foot hurt and don’t want to work at times. My feet hurt a lot mostly in mornings and at night, sometimes during the daytime or a longtime gets a visit from this pain as well. It comes when it wants and stays as long or as short as it chooses.

~Legs sharp shooting pains, dull pains, muscle and bone pain, going numb, giving out.

~Knees hurt, weak, unsteady at times.

~Muscles in calf hurt, tight, tingling burning pain.

This laundry list of crap can come and go or stay for long periods of time. I have had stuff quit working they are in so much pain they are useless. My back upper and lower, my arms both, my wrist, my hands, my neck, have all gone out on me so painful they were useless for month and a half this last time my right dominate arm wouldn’t work hurt too bad.

Having head aches and feeling nauseous is my new normal, off of med’s, and on them. Having body parts too painful to use is also my normal. I have been living perpetually scared of my body and what it may do to me next for years.

I am doing counseling, seeing doctors, Rheumatologist (who diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia back in January of 2014 and inflammatory arthritis. He said my GP needs to treat me for the Fibromyalgia but he will be seeing me for the arthritis, not sure how I feel about this. I thought Fibromyalgia was the rheumatologist’s specialty? Sleep study was denied, but they are reissuing the referral in hopes I get one this time. I have see a gastroenterologist , colonoscopy was good did the one clear down into my stomach as well and it was ok. Confirmed Gerd and IBS.

I should have also put face pain in the laundry list above. My face aches at times, sometimes feels like sinus’ and other times feels like my eye sockets hurt, or just the bones in my face in general.

Last winter was a serious pain in my physical body. This Summer was no better over hot and so uncomfortable. Is now back to fall and I can so feel the chill in all my bones my whole physical form is hurting and winter isn’t even close yet. Just a week ago we were doing 80 some degree weather before noon, and now it takes till 2 or 3 pm to start feeling some warmth and that is just for a couple of hours and it starts to drop again. I am not looking forward to winter at all.

I am on all kinds of med’s some are helping and some I feel are not or at least not yet. Some of them take six months or more to get on board and start doing something. So I get to feel like a test subject.

I feel I was treated as an addict because I don’t want to feel this pain any more it has been going on for years progressively becoming worse. I know pill addicts are an epidemic in my county and my state. Them I am not, nor do I want that life, I just want relief, or at least something that will cover my pain long enough to get more done around my house!