Flare From Hell

I feel like this ‘Flare From Hell’ is a year or more old! I kid you not. I have had my neck go out 3 times this year alone, my shoulders have been in excruciating pain. My hands hurt, they are swollen every morning, my thumbs are starting to hurt and ache alot of late, the whole hand goes numb, wrists hurt, growing a bump or nodule on left wrist below thumb seems to come and go. Both hands when I use them for an extented period of time driving, writing, doing dishes, folding clothes, well anything they feel tight in the palm and achy like a chally horse (question that spelling my brain is not fully in residence!) cramping!

My feet are doing the chally horse thing now too, I recently whent to see the foot doc he gave me some inserts for my shoues for the first week they were great I was so happy, now not so much they are making the cramping and aching so much worse. I just want to cry when I am walking or standing on them for any length of time and I have to do both, ugh WTF now!

Migraine for over a month and a half now they have started me on so new meds to try and keep them at bay takes a bit to get on board so I am hoping something soon! So now I am dealing with my lower back my neck is out really in a lot of pain and today is a sunday thinking about calling on call docotr. I can’t sleep well, turn my head, look down, etd just awful pain clear up into the back of my head all the way down my back and into my cheast and over into my left shoulder, lower back is getting some of it too oh hell it is every where today. I could just pull my fucking hair out, I don’t know how they exspect me to just deal with this. Primary doctor says I am at the top of all my meds ‘Cymbalts and Lyrica’ and she just doesn’t know what else to do for me….WTF….I feel all alone and scared as hell. I don’t know what I am supposed to do.

I see the Rumatolagist just after Thanksgiving I may have more answers at that time about the inflamatory arthritis and or seronegative rhumatoid arthritis confirmation? And how I am doing on the Methotrexate cause frankly I don’t feel it is doing shit thus far! Making me sick, giving me hellashiouse med hangovers adding to my dizzy spells. He has had me doing blood work once a month for the past 3 months to monitor things since I started on the methotrexate medication (he is 2 1/2 hours away frome me so I have been doing them localy and they have been faxed to him)  since I do them here I have been picking up copy’s but no once not my primary doctor here nore my Rhum’y doc up in Seattle has been saying anything about the results, I can see what is high and low but that doesn’t tell me much. I can see my WBC is high, my markers for Inflamation are still high and a few other things are out of wac as well. Still I can’t put any of that together  to help myself! No one is calling so I can hope fully take that to mean I am not dieing rite?

I am drowny in a sea of pain witn the lifte guards (the Doctors) standing on their pretty yaughts looking at their x-rays, blood slides, MRI’s, biopsy’s, physical therapy’s, fibromyagia handout’s, scratching their heads holding my life ring wondering if they should toss it too me or not because they have no clue if they can help me when they get me on board, because all their little slides, and big machines say I should be just fine and they don’t know what else to do for me, yet I am NOT FINE!! I AM DROWNING IN A SEA OF UNBEARABLE PAIN!!!!

They tell me that pain meds don’t work for what I am going through this is based on all the other patients with Fibromyalgia, Inflamatory Arthritis, Anxiety, Depression, IBS, Tendonitis, Calcified Tendon of the shoulder, and who knows what else. This kind of pisses me off! I don’t want them if they don’t work and I would be the first to tell them they don’t work if they don’t. I don’t want any of these meds, they all make me feel dizzy, sick to my stomach. I don’t want to be an addict. I would like to be able to go to the grocery store with out Anxiety, I would like to be able to lesson the pain in my head when I am having a migraine, I would like to be able to ignore or block the pain I am having in my back so I could stand at the stove long enough to cook dinner, or do the laundry or vaccume the floor with out lower back spasms and pain taking over my lower back and legs. I would like to be able to stand in a grocery line with out my feet hurting so bad that I wish I cold hang from something so I wasn’t standing on my poor feet any more…or block the shocking and stinging pains in my arms and legs. Maybe take away or block the constant deep aching hurting pain in my lower back and hips. I could go on and on like this. I think I should be able to see for myself that it does nothing for me. They can monitor me etc, I shouldn’t have to suffer because of people before me that have abused the system and the meds used to help those in pain period! I should be given my chance under what ever guidlines they set because I have no doubts I could pass them, if they work Great, if they don’t Damn it! And I will be the first to let them know and return what ever is left of the worthless pain pills that didn’t work and we can try another and another until I finaly come to this conclusion they want me to swallow just on their word that it doesn’t work and that I couldn’t possiably handle even if it did work because I would become an addict.

I don’t know any more I am mad, sad, disgusted, scared, tired, confused, hurt, lonely, guilty, depressed, moody, emotional, full of soooooo muchhhhhh painnnnn.

I am not sure how much more of this I can take. I have not slept well in days, I go in for a sleep study consoltation this will be my second, for what ever reason the first one didn’t think I needed one even though I had 3 doctors my primary, my Rhumatologist, and Psychologisty refering me I suppose I didn’t look sleep deprived enoungh I am not good about talking about myself and how I feel in person It makes me embarassed I look normal how can one person feel this bad, have this many things hurt its just fucking crazy rite!!! It truly is it blows my own mind, any way I guess I should have wrote it all out for him I think I do that better than I do talking about it all in person I don’t know.

Well I think this entry has turned into a novel so I will go and try to get some rest and hope that helps this

‘Flare From Hell’ cool its heels a bit. Peace out and Gentle Hugs to all my fellow Chronic Pain Friend’s

Note: Plese excuse any typo’s or misspellings as I frankly didn’t give a shit at the time, lack of sleep, too much pain, and scrammbled eggs for pain<<< was meant to be’ *brains ‘ are to blame.



8 thoughts on “Flare From Hell

  1. I’ve had fibromalgia now for 16 years, don’t bother with doctors unless I have to. I still get incredible pain in my hip joints, the first sign I had of fibro (the second being huge, itchy welts from hives which thankfully have gone, cross fingers) I have worked with alternative therapies – herbal, massage – mainly cranio-sacral massage which is incredibly gentle, sports massage is far too painful – acupuncture and homeopathy. While I’m not in a brilliant space, i manage fairly well as long as I don’t go bonkers and overdo things. I don’t know if you can afford alternative therapies, I know it’s been tough for me as I’ve been on disability allowance and I don’t know your financial circumstances, but if you can try alternatives while recognising that conventional medicine can also help and support you. Hope this helps, good luck!

  2. Brandy, i just read this post on my phone and had to login on my laptop to comment. You know I have chronic fibre too. I had to laugh at your post it was so graphic and as only those of us who suffer this kind of Hell can understand it was soooo saaad funny , maybe I’m demented huh?

    The part where you wished you could hang on something so you wouldn’t have to stand on your poor feet !! Been there in the same line up a hundred times!

    Pardon my language here I am a christian but one of the best descriptions of the mental aspect of fibro is that it is a MIND F**K ! I get THAT! I have most of the symptoms you describe including the mysterious lumps which come and go, and hurt so bad i’d like to amputate my own arms or leg, or feet, or whatever its that is torturing me at the moment the moment the moment comes!

    I think I mentioned to you that I use Binaural Beats to sleep when it gets really bad

    I don’t know you personally and am not there to see your life or look into your eyes, so I want to be careful in speaking to you but I think the doctors are not the best answer for us at all. My bet is that of you becoming your own best friend and loving yourself, I mean being kind to ‘you’ from the inside out, and not to be ashamed or guilty anymore. Brandy we didn’t choose this disease! Its not our fault!

    People suck in this world, and human compassion which we should all have to give and receive, has a premium price tag on it anymore so it is very rare. Another thing is that people have been so dumbed down! Down to the point where if they aren’t feeling it seeing it, tasting it affected by it, it’s either not real, or not important! —— bastards……..zzzzz lol I know see I can rant toooooo!!

    But I know what you are going through and I am sorry 😦 I pray God will give you rest, love hope and peace this year, today too, and that he will bring you close to his heart and hold you tight. One thing we really need is love. real love, but to me it seems we will have to begin with loving ourselves, and letting God love us right where we are at, and then if anybody else ever pitches in thank God for them too.

    LV Hubert

  3. you are posting, and typing and concentrating…That’s HUGE!!! when you’re in a flare from hell, but they all stink. I remember when the rheumy i had been seeing for 17 years said, and i quote “victoria the medical community has failed you”…ummm yeah, no sh&% budddy!!!!!

    keep fighting. it stinks but the alternative doesn’t sound so great to me 🙂

  4. Hi Brandy… I am sending you a gentle hug and prayers for pain relief. My heart aches for you. Too well I understand what you are experiencing. I have CFS, CPS, fibromyalgia and 6 herniated discs in my spine. Lyrica causes me to break out in hives and Cymbalta doesn’t work. Presently I have Demerol for the spinal issues. It helps with the pain, depression and anxiety tremendously. Doctors don’t want us to take pain meds because of addiction – but they don’t understand what it is to have zero quality of life and be crippled with pain. I see a neurosurgeon this week and he has already said he’s going to cut the Demerol (prescribed by another doctor). They don’t understand. I will continue to pray for you. God is real and He hears our prayers. Be encouraged, Phyllis

  5. I feel for you too. I ditched Lyrica. I still havent lost the 30lbs in weight that i gained while taking it tho 😦
    I also ditched the cymbalta a few months ago and my migraines improved to the point that i also ditched the topirimate i was taking for them.
    The only painkiller i know that helps fibromyalgia is nefopam hydrochloride taken with paracetamol. I am in the uk. It doesnt take all the pain away but it helps. My dr did a load of research because i cant take opiates and discovered that painkiller for me. But i dont know if its available in the US. Maybe under a different name?
    I now use amino acids for my depression and lots of multi vitamins and minerals in uber high doses.
    Have you been checked for vitamin d3 deficiency?
    Every one is different tho.

    • Thank You ascrapbookdiva its good to know I am not alone. I didn’t get near enough sleep last night ughh…my neck is starting to feel a little better I think? So I am hoping tonight will be the night for a good night sleep, I am going on five days now with about 2 hours of sleep each of those nights. Feeling very tired so I could use it but I feel this night will be it ;~) again Thank You.

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