Beauty: Peeling Back the Layers

Very inspiring, great writing, supportive, just beautiful, I am sure I will find myself going back here time and time again!

Finding Out Fibro

I’m still getting used to the idea that I can’t be fixed, because I’m not broken in the first place. Everything good about me is still here. I am not worth any less than before I became ill.

Harder to get used to is the idea that I didn’t do everything wrong; that this is exactly where I need to be right now.

Hardest of all the lessons I am learning is that I too deserve to be happy and loved. I even deserve to love myself, for that matter.

Crazy how notions that seem so simple and straightforward, things I tell people all the time and think I understand, will refuse to fully sink in for myself until the right moment.

It took me until this year to realize that my vision of my own relative unattractiveness was based on something false all along, which is the idea that women (or anyone…

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Another Day A.K.A. An Update To An Update

I am still not feeling well. I went to see a neurologist for my headaches he just spoke to me for a bit and upped the meds my primary doctor had already prescribed to me, The head ache is no longer constant but sporadic now, the meds are doing something. Except that now I am having a really weird tension head ache. My usual tension head ache involves just the muscles in the back of my neck and the lower portion of the back of my head. Well now it involves all the above plus the whole skull and the muscles just behind my ears as well. It’s also reaching my left temple and forehead as well as the left eye sometimes.

All of my muscles today are exhausted…Had a birthday party for my niece yesterday, and a Christmas parade that I attended. I can and do assume this has something to do with it. Today is a very blah day. I didn’t want to get up, but I had to watch the ‘Seahwaks game against the Philadelphia Eagles’ Go Hawks we Won, that made part of my day Happy! Every muscle is so tired I am having shooting pains in my arms, wrist, shoulders, knees, all of my muscles scream at any and all movement…they don’t want to do anything. My lower back muscles spasm if I try to bend over and pick up laundry, my hands and wrist are tingling and aching at typing, everything inside my body yells pissed off and inflamed today.

Again last night for like the 5th or 6th time I woke from a dead sleep puking, rolled out of bed to land with my head in my bed side garbage can ugh!!!! Don’t know why or what causes this. It started shortly after I started the Methotrexate  for what the Rheumatologist will only call ‘inflammatory Arthritis’ since January of 2014. I seen him again on November 27th, he said all of my inflammatory numbers were down (this shocked the hell out of me, as I do not feel they are down, I still don’t feel they are down, I still hurt from head to toe, he says it will be hard to feel there is a difference as I have the Fibromyalgia as well…..pfffffttttttt GREAT!!!) He says I look great….I say Thanks…(I don’t know if he truly see’s me or even remembers what I looked like 3 months ago, but ok he thinks I look better!! WTF!!) From the moment he walked in the door before he even said the above he states we don’t have time the apointment is already almost over. So anyway he continues to tell me I looked good, how do I feel, I state I don’t feel well at all, still hurt all over, having bad headaches, blurry vision at night, not sure maybe just cause I am tires, eye doc says my eyes are dry, I already use natural tears all the time…he says we will be upping your Methotrexate…I say oh yeah and I am going bald, I have a big bald spot in the back of my head the size of a silver dollar and its as smooth as a baby’s bottom. It just showed up out of no where  one day I happened to notice it and I cried, what the hell dc why am I losing my hair?? He then says ok let me see, he looks then says ok, no more Methotrexate, we are now waiting for the approval of Enbrel from my insurance and then I will be injecting myself for ‘inflammatory Arthritis’ that my Rhumatologist has named once in an email once that may or may not be ‘Sero- Negative Rheumatoid Arthritis’ but has yet to speak to me directly about this. Utterly confused and scared.

Scared in my own skin and wondering how long this kind of pain can go on inside my body like this!

I was  able to call my primary doctor and get some muscle relaxers and try to relax these muscles that are so tight in my neck and head (if muscles in one’s head can even be tight….I swear to you my skull is tight or my brain is swollen something is weird) in hopes i can loosen this tension headache a  bit, suprising getting them was easier than it has ever been and on a friday no less. Or she (the doc) finally took sympathy on me for once! I heard tell it was her half day in the office, I bet she didn’t want my scrip to be the friday hang up to getting out of the office and just said oh all right let the poor girl have her meds, with out the normal run around we put her through, snicker, snicker…..I send out a hearty Thank You to the med ferry’s that this helps and quick.

I must say this week feeling is for the birds, the plain dead tired, head heavy, can’t function feeling is truly the pits. Some good news though (Great way to end this painfully long-winded post ;~) ) My sleep study is tomorrow. Lets hope this goes well. I am more than a bit nervous about being in a strange place. Knowing I have to sleep there, knowing I am going to be watched as I sleep ugh. I am going to miss not having my dog with me in bed, and I am going to worry about my LuLu at home with out me. She my Lulu will have my son and his dog to keep her company but still we are pretty close.  So that is where I will close this post for now, my fingers are threatning to go completely numb if I don’t stop. Too all you chronic pain suffer’s out there ‘Gentle Hugs’ Peace, Love, Light, and Brightest Blessings, to You all MysticalLunaRose!