Anniversary…Where did 4 years go? Looks under the carpet…Nope not there ;~)

So WordPress sends me a ‘Happy Anniversary’ message, it’s 2 days old as of this writing, but it says I have been a member for 4 years. What a long time, in which I have done a lot more reading than writing. Well if I’m honest I have done a lot of reading and I have enjoyed it all. I have written a lot of comments most of which I erase, I have written some blog entries and posted them, but most I write and then erase.  Why you ask? I don’t know, I do a lot of second guessing…These days I have a lot of issues finishing things, my follow thru is broken….<<< LOL at that one, but it truly is, as funny as it sounds.

I use to write in journals, poems, songs, my thoughts, I thought I would do it forever. I don’t do it much any more. I have been thinking lately I should pick it back up. That is why I started this blog actually.  I have been in a bad spot of late a lot of stress from the past, and the present keeps heaping it on as well. This crap with my health isn’t helping any either. I am trying to get to know this new body, and what it’s new normal is but it isn’t making that very easy. So I really think I should try to write more if for nothing else than vent on a regular basis and following thru!

I am glad to report my ongoing migraine is under control, that is good news. I am no longer taking methotrexate due to some serious hair loss, started out as a quarter size loss back at the end of November, it is now the size of a small pancake. I can no longer style my hair down with out the bald spot in the back of my head showing! (cry’s, this is a huge fear of mine and always has been, that and my teeth falling out I have had dreams about both and now this!) So I am now trying Enbrel via the epi-pen like shot thingy (yes I used thingy as a word.) I have to give them to myself, ugh!!! I do fine so long as I just do it and don’t think about it for too long, I so far have not noticed a big difference as of yet.

As for the bald spot I wear the hair up, I am trying hats out…Hats not my thing at all, so I have a wig coming…oh wish me luck with that one. I am a OCD perfectionist at times.  I am also having issues leaving the house at times, this has happened to me off an on for years, but it has been at its worst for the past year in a half but really bad for the past few months. Not sure why…I’m working on it I leave for what I must, I am late for way to many things due to this anxiety, and I am really late too things I am going to by choice if I don’t miss them all together! Work in Progress.

Depression has been getting worse ever since they started talking Fibromyalgia, inflammatory Arthritis, that may or maybe not Seronegative rheumatoid Arthritis which is what they are leaning towards, and there is or has been a lot of family stress within my household family as well as my immediate family outside my home. Some recent stuff happened as well that are adding to this that I am not ready to talk about here just yet.

I don’t see Rheumatologist again until March at that time he will refer me to a dermatologist for the lack of hair growth returning since my stopping methotrexate. Not sure if he will change the Enbrel dose to a higher one since I am seeing no changes as of yet or change it completely since I am still having hair loss or what. Last week though I actually thought there for a little while a couple of days after the shot that my hands seemed less swollen and a little easier to use I felt hopeful even.  Then this week I most definitely don’t feel they are less swollen now 4 days after the shot.

So waiting for the wig to arrive I am anxious to see if it makes me feel better or at least happy for a little while.  I am hoping it makes me want to dress up and get out of the house a bit more. I am going to ask my counselor about what it takes to volunteer at the local women’s shelter. I have always wanted to help out at one. I think I would be really good at it and I would love to make a difference in their lives.  It’s something I have always been very passionate about, I lived thru it with my mom she was with an abusive man for many years. If I could just help one get out and on her own safely I think I would find that very gratifying.

I only wish I could be sure it wouldn’t be a trigger for anxiety or worse…I can’t live in fear of these things for ever though, at some point I have just got to do and work thru it right….deep sigh. I can do this, I use to do this…and I will again.  I hope my long choppy, all over the place note, finds you all doing well gentle hugs, Peace, Love, and Light to all.   Work In Progres Mystical Luna Rose