Rant 11-8-15


I know my hair is not who I am. I know my hair does not define me. I don’t need hair to be happy. I don’t need hair to be loved. I don’t need hair to go somewhere. I don’t need hair to fall asleep or wake up. blah blah blah….I need my hair!! I am so paralyzed by this loss, I can’t even put it into words for you, it has me by my roots dammit…I can’t shake it, I have tried…I know it is trivial it is just hair dammit…I know all of that!! That is not helping me! I am angry, F*c%ing pissed off, is more like it!! Why me…I am a generally nice gal WTF!! I am treating it with steroid shots just under the skin on my head (Yeah thats a F*C%ing party) and it is growing back in the first bald spots that arrived;  But as it works new ones arrive. In the shower I lose so much hair I literally get intangled in it, my tears mix with the shower stream! The loss is gut wrenching when I comb my hair and my bathroom carpet (I know rite who puts carpet in a bathroom, well it wasn’t me! I just have not been able to afford changing it, someday) any way I comb my hair and the bathroom carpet is covered more by me than by my golden/labs daily shed! What is the hardest…How truly uncomfortable it is making me feel with myself and the outside world…this is that awful gut wrenching full body involved kind of fear and it’s probably adding to the hairloss…I swear its awful. I use to have dreams like this as a young girl nightmares in fact of losing my hair and my teeth  they would just randomly fall out in my dreams. Here I am today 43 years old losing my hair at an alarming rate, I have already had 4 of my teeth yanked out my mouth, I have something called Likusplantes (questions that spelling) in my mouth, working on the rest I am sure.  What the F*&K!!!!! Did I make this happen?! OH I dislike this day peeps, I am not feeling well to boot woke up crawling for meds, waiting for some relief didn’t feel like restfull sleep. Ughhhhhhh!!

I have purchased some really cheap wigs…not happening, can’t do so very… self contious and they just are that?!!.. cheap! I need to save up money, which I have none of (money that is) and figure out a better quality solution. Or use a hat (never ever in my life have I been a hat person, so out of the norm for me. I don’t feel like talking to everyone about my hair loss or how I feel about it…yeah yeah they will all understand…it’s not about them…it’s about me and it makes me feel…I can’t do it!) I can’t talk about this any more rite now…Rant over! Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Work in progress Mystical Luna Rose.

Fall Day


Beautiful windy fall day sitting at my craft table looking out the window watching all the leaves fall from swaying trees. Its beautiful yet melancholy I usually love stormy days. Today is kind of a blah day for me. My head feels heavy today or rather my whole body does actually. I feel a little shaky even, part of the UTI or antibiotic or something else coming on I couldn’t tell. Just one of those days I guess. I so dislike these days though, I don’t know what to do with my self. I don’t feel well yet I don’t feel so bad that I want to face my bed on a day like today either (depressing) Yet just staring out the window at this breezy fall isn’t exacly exciting stuff…(depressing). I dislike feeling this way. 

Work in Progress Mystical Luna Rose.

 

Yuck


Yuck! The meds for this UTI or the UTI and meds which ever are making me feel so sick today! So I will take it easy today. I may even end up in bed for most of the day. We will have to see, I am hoping as the day wears on this sick to my stomach thing will go away…can’t even enjoy a cup a coffee…should maybe try a soothing cup of tea…need to get some ginger root in the house, that would help. Beautiful overcast day here in the Pacific Northwest…a perfect day to cuddle in bed with my dog LuLu if I end up there.

Well I just thought I would check in, I hope my lil note finds you all having a lovely morning.

Work in Progress Mystical Luna Rose.

Little Art


Little art today…not feeling so hot today I am fighting a UTI yeah! Low grade fever…My hands hurt who am I kidding I could make a list and top it with puky but I won’t… ;~)

I may not have gotten a lot of art done today but I must say I have a lot of art on my mind…I am sitting among all of my art stuff looking at it touching it smelling it…lol getting to know it so to speak. Eaither way it was stil  calming and it got thru the time I had to waste till the doc appointment for my dreaded UTI! I did use some teracota molds to produce some tissue paper molds of flowers and hearts to paint for embelishments in my art journals so I did get a Little Art ;~). Work in Progress Mystical Luna Rose.

Finding a way to relax maybe.


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I have been doing some art as my hands and shoulders allow. You can see a good portion of it over at lunarosesartjournals.wordpress.com. I hope that works if not let me know..I don’t know how to do any of this. But I will share two of them here with you its called artjourneling I don’t even know if I am doing it right, but then I suppose there is no wrong way. I am enjoying myself I find it calming that should be all that matter rite…Both very different in look and feel but each so much fun

Still Here


I am still here. Sorry for the long pause. It all started back in late June, I went to stay with my daughter and I became pretty sick. Took awhile to figure it all out. When they finally did my appendix ruptured and I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, with a drain in to remove some abscesses! This was all during the 4th of July weekend and a Family reunion weekend so I spent most of that 2 weeks in the Hospital alone. I had my mother and 2 brothers. It was my kids that were gone. It was a very rough time for me, scared the Hell out of me. It was awful. Then there was an insadent I can’t talk about here or at least not yet. That happened just after I healed after all of that. On top of all of that. My chilldrens Great Grandmother who was like a Grandmother to me as well passed away, I was and have been just knocked on my ass!! I’m stillhaving issues picking myself up. Plus there are things going on within my own family I am not at liberty to talk about that are extremely stressful and not one bit helpful to my heath issues, ugh!! So kind of hard to come and write. So I have not done any. Counseling has been very sporatic because of me I have skipped a few, glosses over a few…I don’t know how to connect with this new counselor I’m just not sure about it. And this next session she wants to talk about my Girlfriend that was killed in a car accident almost 11 years ago, and you think I would be but I don’t think I am ready! WTF! Frankly I am scared. I won’t lie having a rough time of lately, and it pisses me off.  I miss writing here I am just so sick of it always being crap…sighs 

Signed a work in progress Mystical Luna Rose