Being Scared In My Own Skin

You know that feeling when you wake up and you try to roll over and you can’t…your back feels swollen the spine itself on me anyway feels swollen and I feel like some one smashed me from head to my toooshie ‘accordianed’ is what I call it. lol.  It truly isn’t funny but that is what it feels like.  I am lucky today in that it has not gotten to my neck thus far, and I truly hope it doesn’t.  Both of my hands and feet hurt all the above including back feel swollen.  I am hoping this is just a small flare that will be gone by tomorrow!  This is ‘Being Scared In My Own Skin’ it can attack me at any time, and it is capable of putting me in truly high levels of pain scary high levels.  When I go to the doctors and they find so many normal results and I have such high levels of pain, it makes me scared of going back.  Why should I?  They will find nothing!  The pain is scary and you worry is this something I should go for?  Could I be wrong about this one?  Can I not handle this one alone this time?  I hate it, as we all do!  

 

I have lived in the house I am now for just over 2 years and I still have yet to make it home. Boxes of family pictures, art, knick knacks etc…still have yet to find a home on the walls here.  I can’t raise my arms above my head for extended periods of time, I can’t hold heavy things for long, so I would need help the whole way, and I have yet to find that help.  I don’t know that I have really asked any one for help though, so…it saddens me though, my son deserves to see this as his home, he is only 13 years old.  He seems me depressed and hurting a lot.  He has had to pick up more chores which he hates,  I don’t blame him,  he is not consistent what teenage boy is…but he does help me a lot.  I am grateful for all he does,  I want to make this a home for him, not a chaos kind of place.  Something I hope to work on this New Year!

 

I hope to get into more exercise this year as well, not just for the extra weight my meds have put on me, but for my poor pain filled body, again I am afraid of my own skin, and the body with in, and what it might do to me when I start doing this.  But alas it must be done, be for warned body of mine, it is time.  We are going to start a regular walking routine.  We must do you hear me!! Sighs I can do this.

 

Declutter I absolutely need to declutter my whole house, my  closet, everyones clothes, my stuff/room, my mail, and my bathroom ugh I am not looking forward to this chore, but I am looking forward to the lighter load :~). My Brother has decided his Christmas present to me is going to be a clean yard, he couldn’t have gifted me one better :~), this I am so looking forward to. I will be holding him to this one even if it doesn’t get done till spring is fine by me. Just so long as it gets done.  So much stuff came to this house that was not suppose too, a mistake that was made when I wasn’t looking lol long story. 

 

This  New Year I just want to get to know my new body with fibromyalgia,  find what  helps me most! Happy New Year Every One!

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Being Scared In My Own Skin

  1. I am so thankful my friends and mum come around to help me with changing light bulbs, decluttering and cleaning. I hope that you can reach out to those around you- I was surprised at how many people were happy to help with rides to the doctor or to walk my dog. I am sending positive vibes and hugs your way. 🙂

  2. I feel like you and I could be one and the same. Everything you expressed is what I feel. I don’t have a teen but I have a 7-year old and like you it is so important for me to give him a nice home, a happy childhood. Sounds simple enough but in practice, when you have Fibro, it can be like trying to climb Mt. Everest. I’m glad you’re making this the year of you. Sometimes that is what is needed to be the best person not only for yourself but for all of those around you.

    It can be tough when you’re having pain head to toe and yet everything is coming up roses on the tests that the doctors, or ER, does on you. Still they should be able to see your pain in your expression and help to ease it. I literally carry records around with me if I have to go to the ER just so they don’t think I’m some scammer trying to get pain meds. It’s frustrating at times, especially when going to an ER is the very last resort for me.

    I hope today is a good day for you and that your son is able to be your arms and help you get those pictures up just where you want them.

  3. Thank you for liking my blog post~ I hope you’re feeling a whole lot better. Sending you good vibes! I attempted to declutter my room and it took me three days to get it done. I still consider it as an achievement since my room looks a lot brighter now. =]

  4. What a comment request LOL! I can feel so much of what you are saying. I am following you now. Perhaps someone will have an answer. The drs sure don’t!

  5. MysticalLunaRose,
    First, can I just say I love this message you have to leave comments. I have had you on follow and not ONCE has it come thru my reader!! Ugh, this has frustrated me to no end, as my mind is well, you know as you read my blog. Arggghhh

    I sooo identify with this. I have made it a goal to search down all of the blogs that are missing. Especially yours. Yes! I cannot clean a damn thing, and it is so frustrating. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and yes I am allowed to say this as I go thru the same thing, tho I feel horrible when people say it to me. But I dearly love you and you are so beautiful to me.

    I have no advice. Acceptance of fibro is such a journey. Mine has been since ’08 and I am still on the acceptance part. But, it gets a little easier each year…and then some days you scream at the rain.

    I will be continuing to return. You have such a bright loving light. Please do remember that. Your son feels that and needs that most of all. I am glad he helps you.

    One thing PLEASE…do not attempt to declutter without someone helping you. You will be a disaster. I finally paid my son’s girlfriend to do my bedroom for me and some closets. It did lighten my spirits. If you can’t afford that try to find someone. It is the lifting repetitively that is the worst for fibro. I was told do not do a lot of laundry or run the vacuum. Repetitive motion. So from that point my kids did it and ran the vacuum. Cleaning out closets will kill you. I hope you have not done it.

    Scared in your own skin. Yes. How I know this. I just had another ANA blood panel…all fine. Well, hello fibro…I guess it is you that loves me. Love you, I know this was long. -CC

  6. I don’t have fibromyalgia, however, I do have neuropathy. I read that if you use a weight wool blanket as a mattress pad (as opposed to cotton) it will ease the pain during sleep. Wool has large molecules, it’s breathable , water repellent, and doesn’t attract dust mites or bedbugs. It’s wool during the winter and cool during the summer. Cleaning a wool mattress pad: once a month mist it with apple cider vinegar and let it end dry for a few hours. Unless it soiled, wash in gentle soap on gentle cycle in cold water.

  7. Scared in your own skin Yeah I get that, I mean I have been there often very often. I moved to this house 2.5 years ago with my two teenaged sons, sheesh I want to live clean and light, no junk no baggage, teenaged boys like mine have tonzzzz of stuff! I give up!I told them if we live clean we won’t have to “Clean” lol ZEE DO NETHAA they do neither, ! Fibro demands a good sense of humour and a lot of tear catching tissue! Thank God for Loggers who provide us with the tissue. I pray for the best year of you life Rose, don’t know if thats your name but it works for Now

    Hubert

    P.S how long have you had Fibro?

    • I am pretty sure I have had since my early teens maybe even earlier. I was diagnosed January 2014. I have always had sleep issues, hard to get to sleep, some times I go thru fases where I could sleep round the clock. Other times I could stay up for days on end. Other times its a miss mash of both. I start using my CPAP machine tonight so I am hopeing to start a fresh schedule tonight…meds at 9pm bed by 11 pm or so, wish me luck. This after days of being up all night and sleeping half the days away ugh…I hope I sleep tonight. ;~) MysticalLunaRose P.S. My real name is Brandy. You can call me Rose though as that fits as well.

      • I like Brandy if thats okay? What is CPAP?

        I have used binaural beats for sleep, Unisonic ascension with head phones just before bed it always knocks me out without drugs.

        I hope YOU SLEEP LIKE A ROCK tonight. 🙂

        Just a note: I’m pretty sure i had this since early childhood too and also there are a lot of researchers who ling Fibromyalgia directly to t 1 Diabetes, which runs in my family, even my son Isaac has that 😦

      • Hi Brandy, I googled CPAP, Oxygen , Its something I have wanted to try for Fibromyalgia, because Iv’e heard that we don’t get enough oxygen to parts of our brain, please let me know how it works for you.

        I pray it really helps

        Hubert

        • Well I have been using the cpap machince for a couple of weeks now. I have fallen asleep a couple of nights before putting the mask on :~( oops my bad. I have had a couple of incadents where I wake and mask is off and I have no idea how it came of, when or why…I just don’t know. I have not as of yet had the mircle night of awesome sleep and utter refreshment. I am still working at it and hoping for it. More consistancy is needed, and better sleep pattern. Right now I am all over the place. Its 5am rite now and I have not been to bed yet, don’t know why just have not had an urge to lay down, my back, legs, and feet are hurting for one. Starting to feel a little head heavy so maybe sleep soon. Wish me luck. I will let yuo know if it gets better, with more consistancy.

Love to hear your feed back, so don't be shy, introduce your self, be kind Rewind ;~) .... You know the drill leave your message after the beep! ...... Looks around and wonders if this will end up somewher out in space.....Hello...Um...I uh....come...in....Peace.....man....I ummm....mean....dude....you ummm wanna hit.....ummmm....of mmmmyyy umm peace.....bubbler.....it uuhhh....helps...with yah.. ummm mmmyyy fibrromyalgia...yeah hear you want....some...???? wait here.....I ummmm flick bubble..bublle....bubbblleee...sssssssshhhhhhhhhh aaaaahhhhh yeeeahh IiI uuuummmnnnneeeeeededddoooohhhhhhhhh that man....yeah hear ya goooo......hehheeee....<<<<<< you stilll reading this.....lol move alog I don't even know what this is for or where it is going lol...or how much of this will show up lol.oohhh funnny! Bye

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