A Long One


Went to see the Rheumatologist Friday. We are keeping enbrel for 2 more months if still having high inflammation markers we move to remicade (question that spelling) infusions. He decided my hair loss (Now that there is another spot starting) is not because of Methotrexate but alopecia Areata (Question that spelling as well) Still working on inflammatory arthritis that could be seronegative arthritis, Fibromyalgia as you know, something about ankylosis spondilitis in my lower back is responsible for the lower back pain and when it feels like my spine is swollen. He is checking my thyroid (if I am any judge of the blood work and my research skills on-line I think this is fine per the results on my patient portal ;~) ) He also said something about maybe having Hashimoto’s something like that, I have yet to look that up yet. He gave me a steroid shot in my left shoulder, felt real good just after the shot, just like last time. Until Sunday it started feeling painful and getting stuck at that certain height again, along with pain in arm period from wrist to shoulder.

Same list of aches and pains as always. Same level of fatigue going up there all day friday wiped me out, slept all day saturday, and still felt the need to recover sunday but I had a candle party to attend even though I have no money. It was nice to speak to other lady’s. Or it would have been. Like always I was Late by almost 2 hours…yeah you heard me right 2 hours…no I didn’t over sleep, I didn’t have a med induced hangover, I didn’t have a great nights sleep, but I did get a couple of hours, I heard my alarm clock, I got up a 8 am. I had coffee and I went to reading blogs like no other. Oh I found depressed and I have been so depressed for a long time I don’t why I have not looked there sooner…any way I did and I read, commented, carried on conversations and spent most of my day enjoying that. Then I had a freak out mode of I don’t want to go, should I wear make up, I look awful, I don’t have clothes that fit, I look like a clown, I am too fat, I am too this and that…nervouse, I shouldn’t go, I have nothing to say..I have not seen so and so in I don’t know how long….what do I say….I feel bad I have no money to buy anything…why am I going?? Cause she asked me too….cause she invited me to stay afterwards and sit in her 4 man ready set hot tub..sounded good, I could use a good hot tub for this aching body of mine, and some adult conversation. So I went but it took me a long time to get out the door. I overly criticized everything for a long a$$ time…I was so pissed at myself…and so stuck in the mode of doubting everything I wanted to wear, every make up move I made, my hair, my shirt, my pants, my shoes, I had to ask my son, my room-mate, is this ok..too much make up, too dark, are these shoe dorky, how bout these pants…and this hair thing is it ok??? look like my hair color?? can you see my bald spot?? Am I over dressed for a candle part??? I’m a fu*@ing ding dong is what I am telling myself about now…I am driving myself nuts…now the host is calling me to see if I am going to make it…I reasure her I will  be thee, I am just a lid behind but on my way, so sorry for the delay. It’s all I could say. This is so exhausting…

So candle party was short and sweet as I was late..lucky me I didn’t have to entertain or talk to much about me and what I have been up to. My oh so exciting life of the chronic pain chronicles…There were several people there it was truly nice to see again, and got there with just the right amount of time for me. I didn’t step outside myself (if that makes sense to anyone) once to get by. I was a lil nervous with 2 of the lady’s no need and I know this…Its just hard with some.

Sighs…did you all see the title…its one of those moods…I was so pissed off saturday when I finally woke up. My back was so messed up from the 2 hour drive up and the almost 3 hour drive back due to rush hour traffic…I was like really you couldn’t have visited when I got to his office so he could have looked at you with the ultrasound he likes so much!! Grrrrr….It’s like everything went on break friday…but we are all in attendance today late night sunday early monday….just pissy I am.

I can’t help it I hurt all over the hot tub was great while I was in it. I feel like I hurt worse once I was out of it though what the he*$ is that all about? I enjoyed myself though and that is what matters.

I am trying to think of something great to tell you all…thinking…..My daughter is 7 months pregnant with my 2nd grandchild and I’m invited to her ultrasound tomorrow/today, I am very excited.

It looks and smells like spring around here, I live in the Pacific North West and I couldn’t be happier about this time of year. I wish I had more energy to go out and till a big garden and plant a bunch of flowers. Room mate and my 14-year-old son may end up having the same days of around spring break I am hoping I can get them to get it going for me. :~ ) wish me luck with that one.

Ok I have said enough for one night. Work in Progress Mystical Luna Rose

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Just another day


Having issues with hands, wrist, fingers, couple toes, my fore arm clean up to my left shoulder and that wraps around to my shoulder blades and causes burning pain. Yesterday it was weird shooting pains in my knee it actually felt like some one hammered a nail into my knee and I was feeling throbbing shooting pain in the hole the nail left behind. Weird I know but that is the best way I can explain it. Here a couple of days ago my head ache finally let up. I had it for a week in a half or more. Felt like I had drank two bottles of wine all to myself the night before, and I had a wine oh’s hang over head ache, except I didn’t drink the damn wine. WTF?

Anyway I am just glad that it is gone. My feet have been hurting a lot again this description involves a hammer too, in the mornings for a couple of hours I get up and my feet feel like they have been smashed and broken. I am left feeling the pain and ache of every one of these fictitious breaks.  I had a weird pinch/crick in the neck a couple of days ago that is gone, but in its place my shoulder blade burns, the front of my chest directly across from shoulder blade hurts, and I have a tension head ache. Didn’t sleep well last night due to puking heartburn, literally choking on it thats always fun, and its happened a whopping three times this week. So have not been sleeping all the way thru the night for a couple of nights now. Very tired!

Wishes I could bend myself in a fashion that I could rub my own aching shoulder blades and shoulder. Who am I kidding this whole fucking breaking body needs some kind of rub! So damn tired of being tired, and so damn sick of being sick. Quite depressing when you start to wright about it. So maybe this is not a good subject for me to write about. I will think on that as I still don’t know where I would like this blog to go, or maybe it will become just a mishmash of my feelings, wants, needs, poems I like, quotes that inspire me. I am ok with it just being a mishmash of shit considering that is a mirror of my life rite now so why not type about it. Get it off my chest in hopes of seeing my way thru it all.

Well that is enough for now. My arm is not liking all this typing, my neck is yelling about looking at the computer screen.  More later B.